Monday, 16 September 2013

Expand my purpose and daily struggles

I think we all need a purpose.
We need to know that we are useful and important. We want to solve problems and evolve.
If we loose sight of this problems, we sometimes just loose sight of our way we want to go and we don´t see anymore the sense in things, that once helped us, like writing something on my blog or staying healthy and skinny. I lost control and ate again whatever I craved for, without limits, just to fulfill my emptiness. I just wasn´t able to stop eating some chocolate or sweets, luckily I didn´t gained lots of weight back, but I just do not feel healthy and comfortable in my body. 
I bought myself some running shoes and want to go swim in the evening, but I just procrastinate it every day.
I found myself this days stuck with little problems and the took away all my energy. I found myself back in old patterns. I wanted to buy things and this longings stopped my real creative flow. I made myself believe that I can´t blog about my home, until there aren´t all this little details I don´t like yet, fixed. I will not be able to take photos, without buying a new rug or a chandelier for our kitchen. I just stuck with material things and constructed some serious problems in my head. I gave them so much energy, until there wasn´t any space left over for creative projects and until I constructed a real problem out of the nothing.

We made up our perfect little family and have a lovely home.
It just seemed that there wasn´t anymore anything to improve. I know I will learn to speak french, it needs only some time and practice. 
My big girl has a perfect spot in school and they care very well for her, she is happy to go every day. My little girl sleeps in her own bed and doesn´t need her mummy us much anymore as when she was a baby. 
There where I, wrapped in some loneliness and overwhelmed with some freedom I have won again, moving back to this country. After the first fear of the new, came faster as I could prepare, some issues with not being needed and not being useful. 
So in my unconscious I just constructed something to solve and parts to improve, which made me at the same time busy and very unhappy. I ran around, trying to buy things for our home, trying to find things to start crafting again, to start sewing again and it seemed, even to myself, that I´m yet so busy, I don´t have time to blog, make photos, craft or only installing my sewing machine. I grew my wishlist rapidly and tried to occupy my head.
I resisted buying lots of stuff, but the few things I bought, made me feel guilty and a looser. I felt to be sick, sick of longing and wanting things. Sick of wanting more, even if I already have everything and I couldn´t figure out where this came from. I only new it was there, from the morning until the evening there where things I long for in my head and I avoided to look close by. 

It is so painful to see your weak points. It just hurts to admit that you yet not have overcome this deep longing for material things. I just felt shame to be like this. I just did not want to be this nasty and disgusting. We have and own everything and there are so much people around the world that even don´t know if and when the would eat for next and I just think all day long about buying luxury things. 
I even struggled that my husband could love me like this. I thought if he would see this true side of mine, it would disgust him just like me. 
So I tried to hide it. I putted it on the other side of the door and closed this door, but this made it grow even more. It became always bigger and my fear grew together with it.

So I try once again to change. I try to open this door and face it. I try to accept this part of me instead of deny it. Even my husband accept this part of me and loves me for who I am.

So I face it. Here in front of all of you that come along with me on this adventure to knowing ourselves.
Full of braveness and afraid at the same time. 
Here I am.
Letting go of problems I constructed out of the boredom.
Seeking new adventures. Giving to my mind new exercises to grow. Finding a way to share my deep love with the topic of selflove. Writing an ecourse. Slowly and study. Built from ground up and weaving in all the experiences I gathered up over the years.

Using my time in a constructive and positive way and give the space to the things in my life that let me grow and really feel better, not the things that give me a energy kick for a short instant.


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Thank to all of you kind and lovely souls out there.


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