Tuesday, 9 July 2013
My dream of beeing
I grew up beeing the grandchild of a big photographer. My grandfather was famous in Switzerland and innovative, when I was little I was a lot with and around him, looking photos and seeing him scribbled down notes in his books, collecting words out of newspapers.
It inspired me, he cutted all the things that captured his attention in big binders, he had lots of books and he was very very thrifty in a good way. I remember him using everything again and not throwing away. Maybe because he grew up in another time, he was born in the year of 1903 and was eighty years and ten days older then me. He was really very flexible in his mind, until an old age and learnd me in my early years all the wise words that he collected with his experiece over the years.
He also was hard, sometimes. He learnd me to play the game and until I really battled him I lost for sure a hundreds of times, he never became tired to play and win, until I learnd all his tricks and became better then him. He learned me to loose, and that you can be good in something only if you allow yourself to make mistakes and this is the right way to actually learn every new skill, I think. He showed me the honesty and his most important message to me was to stay true to myself.
When he died he hold my hand and said to me to always follow the truth.
I really love him. still.
I remained attached to photography and had always a camera. I also inherited some gear from my grandfather. I treasure this things, even when at this time I capture my photos with digital cameras. I'm still able to use the older analog cameras and love to look at them. They are just something so special, maybe there is coming a time when I will use them again. I really hope so.
It really was a hard way until I arrived here at this point, where I can say, that I know where I want to go in the future. I will become a photographer, it really fits to me, it really is something that is my passion, it really sticks all this years and I've found my purpose for the future.
I was often frustrated, I felt to be only a mother, even don't have a proper education or schooling for anything made me of less value.
I struggled a lot on this way to find out for what I'm made for. I went up and down, tried to open one business after the other and always came to the point where I stuck. Where it doesn't fitted properly and I felt to not beeing honest at my deepest. I lost myself often on this way.
I really feel arrived. I'm a mother. I love to be a mother and I have a plan for the future. This plan will grow over the years, this plan will become concret and I don't have to worry. Now I'm a mother, I love my girls and we learn so much together, I couldn't imagine somthing better for myself.
Since I had lots and lots of years where I didn't know where to go and who I am, I overlooked to recognize that I growed into exact that person I wanted to be! I become aware of who I am. I was on the right way and making mistakes is the best way to learn.
I'm looking at my life and it could not be more perfect in all it's rough edges.
It is a big help to let go of perfectionism, I make mistakes and will make them in the future, I don't want to fear them anymore and going brave in the direction my dreams are made of.
To follow this dream, there is life in between, but I know I can build my dreams, bit by bit with time. I will first learn french, settle down with our family and develop my dream at my free time. Practice daily taking photos, growing studily by learning and reading tutorials and tricks. Here I also have a pinterest board for photography inspiration.